This thought-provoking piece, written by my friend Rick Wilcox, appeared originally on his Literary Life blog. I am reprinting it with his permission, and I hope you’ll head over there and read other posts he has written. I find them both intellectually and spiritually nourishing. Rick is a greatly appreciated Heartspoken Connection Messenger.*
As a serious student of Connection, I am constantly reminded of the irony that while technology, in the form of social media, has offered the opportunity for connection to a degree unprecedented in human history, I wonder what is the cost in terms of true connection—the kind of connection cultivated by time spent together, letters written, and dreams shared.
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”
~C.S. Lewis
I can use my iPhone to place a call to remote China, but when someone answers the call I will only have achieved connectivity, not communication. We have never been more connected and less in touch.
There is simply no shortcut to intimacy.
We fool ourselves into believing we long for a more personalized world with meaningful interactions with strangers. Everyone wants to live in a virtual Mayberry. The problem with this of course is that familiarity is by definition encroachment, and the emptiness of a crowd soon trumps the glow of our imagined World Wide Web of friends.
Maybe that’s why there has always been a connection between cool professionalism and dehumanization. It’s the doctor’s middle distance focus and the airline captain’s announcer voice. Each becomes a trusted Nobody for yielding ourselves when we are most vulnerable.
Intimacy requires risk. Save it for your trusted few.
Am I deleting my Facebook account? No. I’m just going to let it be what it really is – a very public forum for checking in with acquaintances from time to time, and by that I mean maybe once a day for ten minutes.
Life with friends is too precious to discount, and too short to be lived on social media.
NOTE FROM ELIZABETH: Do you agree? What have you done to meet the challenge of technological disconnection? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or over on our Facebook page.
Rick Wilcox is a businessman, theologian and literature wonk. Founder and moderator of Literary Life, a website dedicated to the illumination of truth through reading the classics, Wilcox is an ordained minister with a heart for all of God’s children.
* A Heartspoken Connection Messenger is someone who helps point the way to strengthening the four essential connections in our lives: with God, with self, with others, and with nature.
Elizabeth, the photo of the 4 young adults ignoring each other but deeply involved in their devices is a scene I’ve witnessed all to many times. At the airport -mom and dad ignoring their toddlers. At a restaurant -no one having dialogue or even eating. In a living room -neither noticing the loneliness of each other.
Connection and communication are not synonymous. The consequence of thinking so is losing the element of human intimacy.
A compelling post…
Thanks, Denise. I found it compelling too, and I so grateful to Rick Wilcox for letting me share it. I appreciate your taking the time to comment! And I’m happy to see you back on your own blog again.
Facebook has redefined how our culture connects. In some ways, I have learned more about folks I was aquainted with on fb than I ever knew about them over years of just running into them here and there or seeing them at a social gathering. I have also had my eyes opened on some fronts as to who people are or what they value. I believe the key with communicating, whether ot be via social media, over the phone or face to face, is to be authentic, to be real. Expression on fb can be shallow and frivolous or it can provide glimpses of the real you. The same can be said of face to face contact. If we wish to know and be known, we must strive to be honest, reveal the true self. Sometimes that is just sharing a photo of a fresh baked pie that is certainly a proud moment. Or sometimes it is sharing trials and tribulations of life and reaching out with a need. I appreciate the opportunities for connection provided by fb but it is not a substitute for human contact, eyeball to eyeball, listening to the inflections in a persons voice, feeling their hand reach for yours.
Laura, this is such an insightful and well-considered comment. I completely agree that being real and authentic—whether online or offline—is so important for rich relationships. I also agree that Facebook, or any social media platform for that matter, is just a tool, not a substitute for in-person connection and human contact. There is so much conveyed in our facial expressions and (as you mentioned) through our eyes and the tone of our voice, that makes a text/written communication incomplete by comparison.
FB can definitely be over used. We need to discipline ourselves to not spend too much time on it, and to not use it to ‘brag’ or ‘moan’ or anything in between. I love FB for the way it’s helped me connect with so many friends (high school, college) I’d lost touch with. Not only that, but because I’ve lived on both coasts, I find FB a nice way to stay close (via photos, short messages) with friends. I’ve also sold many books via FB and supportive friends. So it’s a winning combination for me. But we all need to find a balance with FB. Sure, connect with friends who aren’t close by, but mainly, be connected with the friends and family who are close enough for a hug!
You’ve brought up an interesting perspective in mentioning how Facebook has helped you sell books, Pamela (which, for other readers, are terrific reading and I hope people will go to to http://www.roughwighting.com to check them out). Social media has definitely leveled the playing field for anyone, for whatever reason, wanting to increase their visibility. I, too, have loved getting back in touch with high school and college friends I wouldn’t otherwise have done. There’s certainly no need to demonize social media, but it’s so important to do just what you suggested: stay connected in real time with those closest to us. Thanks for such a thoughtful addition to the conversation.
Social media allows me to stay on top of happenings in the lives of loved ones, friends and acquaintances. It lets me share tiny bits of my life – like that I just baked a perfect peach pie – without taking up a lot of other people’s time. That dozens of people LIKE a post like that, means they too are enjoying a quick touch in my life.
I sure don’t confuse this slight touching with intimacy though – or consider it my way of being social. That is saved for the precious time spent in person, or on the phone, or in written correspondence with those who are important and pivotal in my life.
Now THAT is where modern times get in the way. Far too often, friends are too busy to get together or we can’t match up available dates. There’s no time for doing it well. So then we start substituting the inferior communication instead.
I’ll keep working on reaching a balance that fulfills the need in my heart to keep close those I love, respect and/or cherish. I need them within touching distance, no matter how far away or busy they are.
Yes, yes, yes, Annette — if everyone could grasp that need for balance, we wouldn’t be here discussing our concerns over social media. But as you’ve alluded to, the concern about disconnection goes way beyond social media. It relates to our over all frantic pace and busy-ness that keeps us from simply cherishing the things and the people close at hand. Thank you so much for this important reminder. I’m so glad we’ve finally got a lunch date on the calendar! 🙂
I do love the fact that I’ve been able to connect and make new friends in Australia and Sri Lanka, England and Canada. But I have been wondering A LOT about real connection. I see so many people (not just kids or teens) with their faces buried in their devices when the whole world is passing them by! I walk into my university classroom and nobody is talking – they are all looking at their devices. I have a friend or two who always have their device on the table, no matter the circumstance. I do love the fact that I’ve been able to connect with you, Elizabeth (and finally, in person!) and a few others because of the internet. But I much prefer the face-to-face and social in-person interaction. I think all this is part of my own burn-out problem. I’m sort of sick of social networking. Alas, I will continue to do it, but I’m also doing it a little differently. Not just “liking” a whole lot of posts, but taking the time to comment on significant posts. I love Chaplain Rick’s blog and follow it. Though I don’t always comment, I read every one. He makes Bible learning fun. 🙂
Karen, thank you for responding so thoughtfully to Rick’s post. I think you have perfectly articulated the tension that exists between the benefits and drawbacks of social media. I actually heard a very social-media active online marketer say recently that she thinks social media is creating a generation of sociopaths. That may be a bit extreme, but it expresses the concern over negative consequences.
I think that “sociopaths” is a bit extreme. But we shall see – or rather our children and their children will see – as we progress into 2020, 2030, 2040, and beyond.
I totally agree, but it got my attention, especially from someone who knows and uses social media very effectively.