FROM THE ARCHIVES: I first posted this in February 2015. Having just returned yesterday from a writer’s retreat with five inspiring women, I am more convinced than ever that we all struggle with judging ourselves instead of appreciating ourselves and embracing our gifts as fully as we should. I’m re-posting in hopes it will encourage you to shake off self-doubt, identify your gifts and strengths, and put them in fuller service to God and the world. We need you!
I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Don’t laugh!
Just because I’m in my mid-sixties doesn’t mean I’ve figured it all out. To the contrary, the older I get, the more I’m torn between alluring choices, and the more I realize my best self is a moving target. Life is really a journey of becoming, not a journey of attainment, isn’t it? But if I spend too much time contemplating all the choices, I can become paralyzed with indecision.
For years I thought it was essential to always aspire to be my best self. And yet…and yet…
I’m beginning to think this is not the right line of thinking. In our perfection-driven and self-judgmental culture, trying to be our “best self” all the time might sound good, but in reality, it’s like trying to be Superwoman or Superman. We want it all, all at the same time, right now, so haven’t we set ourselves up for failure before we even start?
I’m not a failure, and neither are you!
Using that logic, depending on the internal vision I have of what my best self is, I can either have a good day or a bad day. Today, I may get to the gym, make healthy eating choices, and drink plenty of water, but I might have spent no time with my family or doing anything to better the world around me. Tomorrow I may eat like a pig, yet I might take the time to show compassion to a stranger or write a big chunk of my next book or indulge in some much-needed self-care.
Do we ever get it all right at the same time? Of course not. Does it really matter? Or are we wasting mental and emotional energy on an illusion?
Here’s what I’ve decided (at least today; I might feel differently next month, in which case you’ll hear more from me on the subject.) I’m not knocking goals or the importance of striving to be healthier, kinder, more informed, more generous, or more compassionate. But the rub seems to come when we try to do it all at the same time.
The truth is this: the only day we can count on is today. If I am living mindfully and deliberately—and I believe that is something we should all strive to do—it is only the choices I make right now that matter. There is nothing to be gained by regretting yesterday’s choices: learn from them and let them go. Tomorrow’s choices will come soon enough. But if I ask myself only “What is the best thing for me to be doing right now?” I am minimizing the number of choices and making it more likely I’ll take action instead of becoming fragmented and unproductive. When we adopt a more mindful and intentional practice, taking action becomes almost inevitable, because we embrace the mindset “If not now, when?”
So let’s stop putting ourselves under pressure to become our best self. We’re pretty darned amazing the way we are! Instead, let’s embrace this wonderful wisdom from ancient Sanskrit writings (see below) about living in the present, and becoming our best selves will occur naturally:
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day.
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Why Is It So Hard To Say “I’m sorry” (even when you want to)?
Becoming my “best self” IS a moving target. I’m in a different place (in my head) than I was in 2015 when I first posted comments here. I’m in the midst of ruminating on the lovely weekend we spent at Orkney Springs, it’s July 4 and for the first time I’m afraid for our nation and praying a lot about it, I’m with my family in DE and basking in that glow. No matter what sort of life we’ve led, no matter what sort of day we had yesterday, today is a blank slate and we can start all over! Blessings to you, blessings to me! It’s a gloriously hot and muggy day and the birthday of our nation. We can start again!
Yes, indeed, we can start again. It’s interesting, isn’t it, to see how our thoughts on various topics can change. I have a daily devotional that I’ve used for years and have made dated comments in the margins. I love noticing how a single devotion can inspire me in different ways at different times.
I think you’ve answered your own question! Being your “best” self is a matter of definition and a growing number of wise people are realizing that your “best” self is present, in the moment, self-compassionate, and trusting that higher good will happen when we allow it. “Best” ain’t about a plaque on the wall or a title. And thank heavens for that!!
YOU are the best!
And YOU are the best too! And Amen to your comment about “Best” not being about a plaque or a title!
Accepting who you are is paramount to living a confident life which can lead to more and more progressive opportunities. Very inspirational, thanks for sharing.
Hayden, thank you for this affirmation and taking the time to comment. The word “self” has gotten a bad wrap, but knowing and accepting ourselves is, indeed, critical to mental and spiritual health and growth.
Oh my, Elizabeth…ya did it again. Just what I needed. It’s a challenge at the best of times to be our best selves or at least to be happy with our efforts but when we make a big change in our lives, whether it’s beginning a new relationship or ending one or starting a new job or a new course of studies, a lot of our touchstones get rearranged. (That sentence was about to become seriously run-on!) When we lose touch with what usually guides us and we’re in new circumstances, it seems especially important to take things a day at a time and not expect perfection. Thanks for the reminder.
I’m so sorry I missed replying to this wonderful comment, Esther, and I so appreciate your sharing it. Knowing that something I’ve written has touched a reader is the ultimate gift to me.
I was struck by your important comment about what happens when there is significant change in our lives (of our own making or otherwise…). You said, “a lot of our touchstones get rearranged.” That is so true, and it bears remembering when you’re going through those disorienting times to be on the lookout for new touchstones. They are there and will be precious when you find them.
I laughed when I started reading this. For years I have said when I grow up I want to be _______. You are right on Elizabeth.
Your diet choices made me laugh! Heck no, I’m not perfect everyday. You wouldn’t believe all of what I ate today. Though I try to balance all that crap with exercise (ok, I try!), and try to cut back on the bad habits (alway a struggle), and to hell with sensible choices once in a while. Am I my best self every day? No. I accept that. Somedays (like after five months of winter), I get a little strung out and cranky…but then I make jokes and get to laughing. Thank goodness I have friends and family with whom I can be myself, my true self. Have I gotten that poetry collection together and printed? No, but I’m a couple steps closer. Things change…lately I’ve been concentrating on my art, so I’m just going with that flow. And right now, appreciating my imperfect self. And celebrating me!
I think you’re amazing, Karen — working full time, taking college classes, being an artist, an editor, and a writer…amazing, if you ask me. I love it that we women are learning to accept ourselves, warts and all. By the way, I caught my typo in the last line of my post (“become” instead of “becoming’). Sorry I didn’t see it before you, my favorite editor, read it. 🙂
I do not read your posts and look for boo-boos (and I missed the one you mentioned!). I’m loving this college class, and I’m learning so much! I came into university thinking, I’m older and wiser and more experienced…WRONG! Going to college is one of the best experiences ever. I am learning so much, and hanging out with ‘kids’ who are younger than my son – fabulous!
Good for you, Karen! I’ll bet there as proud to have you there as you are to be there!