What I Didn’t Know

NOTE FROM ELIZABETH: I am so honored to have this guest post from my friend Jill Strachan and am enormously grateful she was willing to share her experience of loss and healing after the sudden and unexpected death of her partner, Jane.

I am sometimes asked if it’s necessary to write to those who have sent us expressions of sympathy. While it’s not required, Jill discovered there were unexpected gifts in doing so. Her story speaks not only to the healing power of a note, but also to the myriad forms of connection we humans can cultivate and call on in the various circumstances of our lives.

What I Didn’t Know

by Jill Strachan

It took me five months to finish writing upwards of 150 notes by hand. I’m not bragging but trying to explain why I did this and to describe the gift which arrived as a result of completing this task.

Jane, my vibrant partner of almost thirty years died unexpectedly five months ago. She was sixty-three and just shy of retiring and taking on new projects and travels. I found her when I returned from a morning of errands, our dog Freddy by her side. Just like that, my life transformed in every way.

Jane was the brightest of stars, she shone wherever she was planted. During her youth in South Dakota and years abroad in the US Peace Corps in Malawi and work in the Czech Republic, she soaked up her surroundings and the people she met. She became chief financial officer for several non-profits and did a stint at The Washington Post wanting to know more about the newspaper business world. She met Katherine Graham in the elevator one day and I am sure after the encounter, Ms. Graham knew she had met a special person. She was a gifted musician, and her glorious alto voice graced the choral groups she joined. Her joyous laugh resounded wherever she went, embracing its recipients. As my partner, she was devoted and we weaved together a loving, fun relationship which suited us both.

Almost immediately after her death, condolences arrived in the form of flowers, phone calls, and emails. Then began a steady stream of sympathy cards and handwritten notes. People know what to do in this situation.

During my life, I have written letters, notes, long-winded emails to replace letters, and sympathy notes. If the person who died had a special place in my life, I tried to catch that connection with my words. But, not unusually, no one ever wrote me back. I understand the silence. Grief is profound and often takes charge, interfering with the rhythm of life and its regular duties.

It is not required that a response be issued for notes and gestures of condolence. Even so, when it came to Jane, I wanted to respond. I also needed to respond. I knew there was a deep well of sorrow at her departure which individuals shared with me. Hence, my tally of 150+ notes.

I began with people who had donated to the suggested memorial non-profit organization which Jane and I supported and where we had discovered abundant community. I used a postcard with a color picture of us on one side with words expressing gratitude. The other side provided space for a handwritten message and the recipient’s address. I would write anywhere from two sentences to five, trying to keep my handwriting legible, perhaps the most difficult part.

Writing these notes brought immense comfort. Describing Jane in differing ways, I could be funny and sincere in my portrayals, resulting in memories which could lead to a shared connection.

The gift for me was discovering I could also freely return friendship, love, and consolation to the person who had written to me. Composing these notes provided additional consolation as I chose words personal to the recipient.

I didn’t know this when I started writing. I know it now and I am swept away in the realization of the healing power carried by a few words.

About Jill Strachan

Jill has authored two books of memoir:

• Waterfalls, The Moon and Sensible Shoes: One Lesbian Life
• Boundaries Borders Crossings: One Lesbian Life 2.0

You can find my review of each under its Amazon listing. These are affiliate links.