That insecure self will follow you
As I was reflecting on the importance of digging deep into one’s self and getting to know your own strengths, weaknesses, fears, and hopes, I read Hannah Brencher’s post this morning (“Make Me Come Undone”). It spoke so perfectly to this topic, I simply had to share.
Hannah is one of the most talented and passionate young voices in today’s online world, and she speaks in this post about a recent move from one part of the country to another. But for her, it was far more than a change of geographic location. It became a metaphor for life and her desire to get away from her insecure self, only to find that “other self” had followed her and found her.
But we can take away that “other person’s” power over us
I hope you’ll read Hannah’s whole post, but here’s the part that jumped out for me today:
I’ve wanted to pretend that with enough miles and enough distance and enough distractions, I’d never have to face the girl inside of me who is weaker than I’d prefer she’d be. I thought I had fully abandoned that girl in the process of book-writing. I thought I’d said goodbye and meant it. But it’s like she showed up at my door, after a few months of being gone, and she knocked until I came to let her in.
And it’s like she stood before me, in the doorway of my new home, looking like a hungry traveler and waiting for me to pay attention long enough to hear her say, “One-way tickets don’t always work. You can’t just send me away. You have to learn to live with me and you have to learn to understand me. And if you could just understand me then you could very easily undo me. And that’s the only way to let me go for good— make me come undone. Undo me and unravel me and get to the root of me. Face me fully and I’ll lose all my power. Face me fully and I’ll turn and not look back for you.”
If I’m honest there are parts of myself I don’t like at all. I make poor eating choices, so I dislike my body and hate to look in mirrors, look at pictures of myself, or wear anything the least bit skimpy. I hate the bitchy me who comes out of hiding when I get really tired or really stressed. And to those of you who have not had the pleasure of seeing those moments, just be thankful. I have a thing about making phone calls — I’d rather communicate almost any other way than by picking up the phone (I don’t mind getting calls, I just don’t like making them—go figure). These things are insignificant and not what I want you to focus on. My only point is I have these “other selves” I don’t like and you do too. So what do we do about it?
Experts such as social researchers and authors Martha Beck and Brené Brown would agree with Hannah’s conclusion: we don’t deal with these insecurities with denial or judgment but with recognition and love. Yes, love for those flawed, imperfect parts of ourselves. That love and acknowledgement is what takes away their power over us.
I know this and believe this, but I’m a far cry from accomplishing it. What strategies or mindsets have helped you acknowledge and love those less than perfect parts of yourself you’d just as soon leave behind?
Ohmygoodness! Elizabeth, I would give a great deal to look as put together as you do and be as photogenic as you are. (I did see you at Food Lion the other day and we were both having bad hair days and looked like we hoped we could get by with not running into anybody we knew…so I ducked down the next aisle!)
I love phone calls and talking on the radio because then I don’t get hung up on my appearance. I discovered I could pull off the “radio voice” pretty well, so that’s my forte. Strangely enough, when I talk in front of a group, I don’t worry much about my appearance and just focus on connecting with my audience. Doesn’t make any sense at all, does it?!
“Doesn’t make any sense at all, does it?!” That’s exactly my point, Esther, and I so appreciate your sharing your own perspective on it. We are all such complex creatures, and each person’s insecurities are unique to them. Ironically, an insecurity is probably a type of egocentricity. Why should we think anyone else would care two figs about [fill in the blank]. But just as we need to work on loving others, warts and all, so we need to work on loving ourselves.
I’m with you – so I don’t think less of you at all that you don’t like to talk on the phone. I dislike it quite a lot; don’t know why, but let me e-mail someone or write them a nice note, and I’m much happier. I hadn’t thought of feeling insecure about that, or for disparaging myself about it. I agree with your post – we need to allow ourselves to not be ‘perfect,’ as long as we’re not hurting someone else because of our imperfections. I’d LIKE to be less shy at times, and I’d LIKE to be able to still run 5 miles (or even 2 miles). But fortunately, I just shrug my shoulders and walk 5 miles instead. 🙂
Yes, exactly, Pam! It’s not a matter of trying to deny those imperfections exist but of loving ourselves in spite of them and using the awareness to work towards an even more wonderful “me” than ever.
I find it a little odd (but I accept it) that you don’t like to make phone calls, considering we have had some stellar conversations. I don’t like them either! I once had a job that forced me to answer 300-400 A DAY. Ever since then, don’t like phone calls. I know one of my contacts who doesn’t like emailing. So we chat on the phone more than email. I don’t like photos of me either – I rarely take a really good one. I read a post (Susannah Friis) about our true selves, sans make-up. That’s what made me change my profile photo on FB. I still prefer the made-up me, but I never look like that! I recognize that I’m nearly 57, so I’m trying to accept that I look pretty darn good. And I’m in a size 12 again, so there! I embrace my short comings and say what my son likes to say, “It is what it is.” I think some of the things we screw up in our youth (and in our 30s, and sometimes 40s) at least gives us perspective, as in, “I don’t ever want to do that again!” Insecure – about some things, but I feel very secure about more things now than ever before.
You’re absolutely right, Karen, that there are many things I’m much more confident about now than I used to be. There is very little that intimidates me. The phone thing is weird — it’s not exactly a phobia, and once I’m on the phone, I’m absolutely fine — but unless someone is expecting me to call, I often procrastinate on making them. Congrats on being in a size 12 again! Fantastic. The body image thing still eludes me — my intellect and my emotions about it just aren’t in synch. But for many other things that would have bothered me even ten years ago, I can be very Zen about them now. Thanks so much for your great perspective.