GIFTS THAT CONNECT Series: This is the first in a series of posts that will turn your gift-giving into a joy-filled connection experience.
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Gift myths busted in recent research…
“Five studies show that gift recipients are more appreciative of gifts they explicitly request than those they do not.” This is the startling conclusion reported by researchers from Harvard and Stanford in the September, 2011 issue of Journal of Experimental Social Psychology [1. Gino, Francesca and Francis J. Flynn. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Volume 47, Issue 5, September 2011,Pages 915-922]. Even more fascinating was the discrepancy between what gift recipients really want and what gift givers think they want.
- Gift givers think their recipients want something extravagant and dramatically or creatively presented.
- What gift recipients really want is something they can use or enjoy…OR something they’ve requested.
I found these conclusions enormously liberating, and so should you!
I’ve always envied those who seem to be so creative in their gift giving. You know the type—the ones who find out you love Italian food and give you an extravagantly stuffed basket of imported food from Italy (in a basket shaped like a gondola), beribboned with the colors of the flag of Italy, delivered in person by an Italian violinist who plays you an Italian love song while you’re opening your gift.
Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating, but if choosing gifts is hard for you, you know what I mean.
I am so simple and straightforward and practical; it never even occurs to me to do anything other than consider what might be useful or pleasurable to the recipient of my gift. All these years, I’ve been thinking this was somehow boring, but now it turns out I’ve been doing what most people want. Woohoo!
Is giving money a cop-out?
These studies busted another myth too: Giving money is not as thoughtful as a purchased gift. Wrong! Cash is both enjoyed and appreciated as much or more.
But they won’t give me a hint!
You’ll still have those people on your gift list who won’t make a request; or they’ll say, “Oh, I don’t need anything!” Here’s how to get unstuck and think of something wonderful for them:
Connect with this person in your imagination; take just a few minutes to think about his life, his habits, and what you know about his likes and dislikes, his reading preferences, his activities and hobbies, his needs or wants. More often than not, you’ll come up with something that will be just the thing.
Brainstorm for the perfect gift.
If you’re still stumped, consider the following:
- If she likes to write notes, get her a box of cards or stationery with some postage stamps.
- If he’s housebound, try a book or DVD movie or a meal delivery.
- If a couple is downsizing with limited space, they might enjoy something edible or a gift to charity in their honor (a cause they embrace)
- Stay-at-Home moms might appreciate some babysitting or a girls’ day out.
- If someone doesn’t drive, take them to the movies or a local concert; offer to take them shopping for clothes.
- If she’s older, give her a gift of your time and make an appointment to show up to help her with whatever is worrying her the most (e.g., cleaning an attic or garage, going through photographs or letters, gathering her favorite recipes for a family cookbook, balancing her checkbook).
- An amaryllis bulb (or other flowering bulb) is a reliable people-pleaser.
- Someone living alone might enjoy a home-cooked meal.
- Mixes for soups, sauces, and casseroles can be just the thing for a busy professional or single person.
Who’s the hardest person to shop for?
Who is the hardest person to shop for on your list and why? Maybe some of our readers can help you out! Share in the comments below or join the conversation at my Facebook Page.
Check out Heartspoken’s gifts. Our goal for 2012 is to add significantly to the selection, but you’ll find some wonderful and unique items that are sure to be perfect for some of the loved ones on your list.
Beware the Digital Grinch!
Wow, these are fantastic suggestions and the are all very actionable. No one could have any excuse for not giving the perfect gift now. I’m a “Christmas Nut”! I start thinking about gifts in July. So, I start listening for cues about what they may want very early. 🙂 I go to a local Art Festival here in Sept. and that’s where I start my shopping (…told you I was a nut). They sell Crafts and Gourmet Food items which make great gifts. Dyane
You’ve got a great system, Dyane — not only are you more likely to pick up the right cues, but with that much time, you’re more likely to pick up bargains too! I’m going to try to start earlier and be diligent about putting those ideas somewhere that I can find them! 🙂
I couldn’t get my wife a gift this christmas as I had to use the money as downpayment to replace her old car. Does that count as a gift? I promised I’d give her a gift before the new year.
Of course that counts as a gift, Jim. Not everyone likes to do this, but my husband and I almost always make our major gift(s) to each other things that we’ve been needing or wanting anyway. That may not be so romantic, but in this economy, the gift may be in being thoughtful about something that the other person really needs.
And when cash is in short supply, never underestimate the joy a loved one can derive from getting a handwritten note from you about how much they mean to you.
Best wishes for improved circumstances in 2012.
Susannah, your comment makes me want to expound a bit on the finding of this study that money/cash is actually appreciated as much or more than a purchased gift.
Surely there are important exceptions to this, and I would think that the finding would not apply so much to life or romantic partners. Many of my friends would consider it odd if I gave them money, too, though if I knew they were saving for something in particular (such as a trip), then it would be a very thoughtful gift.
So, as with most things, there are always exceptions, and some common sense is in order!
This is great, Elizabeth. I was so surprised by the money giving result! My husband is an absolutely fabulous gift giver; he gives a mixture of things I have ‘hinted’ at wanting and also chooses other things that he knows I will love (and I always do!).
I agree with Karen, showing you have been ‘listening’ and paying attention to someone’s interests etc means almost as much as the gift.
Wonderful post 🙂
Thank you so much, Susannah! Your husband sounds like a gem!
You are so right about the gift of attention…taking the time to pay attention to another person enough to be able to pick out a gift they’ll love is such a beautiful part of the giving experience — on both sides!
What I try to do is pay attention when conversing with my list of gift recipients throughout say September, October, and November. If I realize that he is just loving his Warhammer game and gets a lot of enjoyment out of new figures, new paints, new stuff – I buy Warhammer. If she says she’s “always running out of ……” I buy her some of that. If she loves Kohl’s, maybe a gift certificate to Kohl’s. If he loves Eagles football and watches the game every week, Eagles T. I don’t try to force my likes on others. I love to write notecards, but I know others don’t. So I save the notecards for myself. 🙂
These are terrific suggestions, Karen. I’m going to start keeping an index card in my purse or wallet to log these things so that when it’s time to buy a gift, I can find them. Thank you!
Ah…the whole, is money a cop out issue is a struggle for me. And yet, I know my children will be thrilled this year when they realize that I’m catching onto the idea that a little cash goes a long way toward liberating their Yuletide Spirits!
I think this was a perfect post Elizabeth!
Thanks so much for commenting, Mimi! It makes me happy just to see your smiling face!
These study results surprised me. Personally, I love to be surprised, so even when a family member asks me for ideas, I give them LOTS so I won’t be able to guess what they’re actually going to get me .
My husband is just the opposite — I wouldn’t dare get him something very expensive, because he gets so much pleasure out of researching and selecting the thing himself. So when he buys something nice for me, he wants my input before he buys it. Kinda hard to surprise me that way, but it’s always something I appreciate.
Viva la difference!