John C. Maxwell, author of the classic book about connection called Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently
“Being disconnected wastes your time,” he related. “It interrupts the flow of what you’re trying to accomplish, and it undermines your productivity. The bottom line is that connecting is everything when it comes to communication.” He makes the case that learning to connect effectively with others can transform both your personal and business life. I certainly agree. In his book, Maxwell based his discussion on five “Connecting Principles” and then elaborated on the practices through which connections can be made and cultivated.
In the three years since I read his book, I have developed my own principles of connection below. There is some overlap with Maxwell’s, but these go a bit farther and embrace principles of biology, psychology, and social science.
Heartspoken’s principles of connection
- We are neurobiologically wired for connection. Dr. Brené Brown made this statement in her TED Talk about the power of vulnerability, and it is borne out in studies of emotional psychology and emotional intelligence. This constitutes a mandate for us as humans to understand and cultivate connection.
- Caring must come before genuine connection. Connecting without caring is glad-handing at best…manipulation at worst.
- Connection means focusing on the other person and believing in her inherent value. This almost always begins with attentive listening. [Updated after Esther Miller’s comment below.)
- Connect is a verb, not a noun. Therefore it requires action on our part to create true connection.
- Anyone can improve her ability to connect effectively. The notion that only outgoing people can connect well is a myth.
- Connection creates a conduit through which positive energy flows. This energy moves through the person with whom you’re connected and beyond in a ripple effect. There is both measurable electrical energy involved as well as psychological and emotional energy that result in warm feelings, trust, and influence.
I am going to build a great deal of my future content on these principles of connection, so I want to get them right. Can you add any others? Do you agree that these lie at the heart of genuine connection? Please leave a comment below or join the discussion at my Facebook Page.
To read my full review of Maxwell’s book, CLICK HERE. Order today from Amazon:
Another out-of-the-park blog, Elizabeth. Honest connection – not the fake smarmy stuff – is an absolute necessity to me. I agree with Esther’s comment – about listening. Just listen. Keeping one’s mouth shut is often hard to do, but so important! I too have trouble with interrupting, Denise. I sometimes actually put my fingers over my mouth to make me stop. Social networking has opened up a lot of new avenues for connecting – but that too needs more encouragement and one-on-one attention and real interest.
Karen, your comments mean the world to me, because I know you don’t give compliments lightly. I’m glad this hit the mark for you. You are certainly not alone in having trouble listening more than talking, but you always start from the most important place: you care. And that makes all the difference.
Hi Elizabeth,
I like the direction you are taking with connection. In my work, my new way to move through the world, we talk about joining two nervous systems to create a sort of super-nervous system. We move bones and look at eliciting function through the skeleton, we explore and never correct, we go with the person’s preference and support that and then together we explore the options and choices in the function to allow an easier way to do what we do. More ease, less effort, more life and so perhaps happiness.
This connection takes trust and that only comes when another allows me to take their weight of the muscle and bone. Until there is that trust, it is just movement, when there is that trust, there is connection and dare I say a healing and loving quality that enters the space the two of us create in the working together – practitioner and student.
Thank you for continuing to push the envelope and be a bright light for those around you. As your influence grows so does peace, hope and joy.
Your friend,
Pam
What a lovely and heartfelt response, Pam. Thank you for your kind words. I’m fascinated with the Feldenkrais® work you do there in Hawaii and with the notion of exploring the connections between mind and body and the role trust plays. I hadn’t thought of it before your comments here, but trust is one of the natural outcomes when we reach out to connect and give each other our full attention. I’m going to think more deeply about that angle. Thank you!
It’s only been recently that I’ve become aware of Brené Brown’s work. I bought one of her books and find myself nodding constantly or saying “oh!” in new connect-the-dots awareness of something.
I’d echo what Esther said about thinking of something I want to say or ask while someone else is talking. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I interrupt -which is entirely rude – and often I forget what it is if I wait.
My daughter and I had a discussion about this once, and she made a wise comment I try to remember when my mind is racing about. “Mom, whatever you wanted to say isn’t as important as you listening.” I think she’s right about that…
Thank you so much for adding to the conversation, Denise. I’m so glad you’ve discovered Brené Brown. I think her work on vulnerability and shame is amazing, and people all over the world are finding that she connects the dots for them.
Listening is so important. Also our tendency to be wedded to the notion of being right. It takes constant vigilance for me to overcome wanting to talk and convince.
The people who make the best connections are the ones who listen best, in my experience anyway. I am often so excited to jump in with my comments that I find I’m not really listening to the other person. It’s harder now that I’m older…if I listen carefully, I tend to forget what I wanted to add. I haven’t figured out a good way to handle this yet.
I’m smiling in instant recognition. I really like the reminder about listening, Esther. I was thinking of that as part of focusing on the other person, but I think I’ll go back in and add that as part of the elaboration on #3. Thank you!