Christians struggle with Jesus’s teaching about forgiveness: we are commanded to forgive over and over. But do we have to forgive AND forget? Maybe not…
This post originally appeared on the blog in 2014, where it stimulated quite a bit of emotion and conversation. The question has come up so often lately, however, especially in light of our society’s political polarization, that I wanted to update and pose it again for your contemplation.
We’re commanded to forgive those who trespass against us
Since the beginning of God’s relationship with mankind, God has spoken through his prophets about forgiveness of our sins.
The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him. (Daniel 9:9)
“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. (Isaiah 1:18)
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? (Micah 7:18-19)
From Christ, we learn there is a response expected—required—of those who follow Him.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6: 14-15)
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:21)
We must forgive as we are forgiven.
Brilliant Christian writer C. S. Lewis reminds us, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” But in his classic Mere Christianity, he acknowledged the excruciating difficulty of this when he said, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.”
But do we have to forget too?
I’m totally on board with our need to forgive. Even beyond my conviction that it is a command of Christ, there is an impressive body of psychological and biological research showing significant mental and physical health benefits of forgiving.
But somewhere along the line, the familiar cliché Forgive and Forget has given us the impression that not only do we have to forgive, but we also have to forget too. I’ve got trouble swallowing that we must also forget the wrong done to us. Some say what we’re supposed to do is forgive as if we had forgotten. But to actually forget? I was gratified to find that many writings on this subject agree this may not be possible nor, in fact, even desirable.
Tim Jackson of RBC Ministries (http://questions.org) says, “The phrase ‘Forgive and Forget’ is not found in the Bible…In one sense, it is impossible to truly forget sins that have been committed against us.” The memory of the wrong done to us doesn’t have to be erased from our mind for us to conduct ourselves in a forgiving way.
Psychologist Fred Luskin, Ph.D., a co-founder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project and author of Forgive for Good, believes that forgiveness means changing the story you tell yourself about what someone did to you.
Theologian Lewis Smedes writes in his book Forgive and Forget, “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”
Reflections from the dark places
“Can I forgive when my then-husband pointed a shotgun in my face?” asked my friend Karen.
“I can forgive, but I’ll never forget.”
“Can I forgive my ex-husband for slashing my favorite party dress and leaving it displayed on the bed?” she reflected.
“Yes, I can forgive, but I’ll never forget.”
I also reached out to Denise Hisey, who has written honestly and movingly at her Inspired2Ignite blog about surviving and thriving after chronic, severe childhood abuse and alcoholic parents. Her journey through anger to forgiveness is truly inspiring. I knew she had forgiven her father and mother, but I wondered whether she felt it was necessary to forget too. She generously shared the following honest and insightful reflections on the choices she has made:
Forgiving my parents has been a journey of many layers. I have been asked by many people over the years, “Why can’t you just forgive them and forget about it?” Perhaps it’s been asked with the best of intentions, but this is an incredibly painful and dismissive comment.
Suggesting I forget what happened is akin to saying you don’t believe what happened to me. Finding a way to healthy forgiveness required two basic discoveries.
1) Trying to forget just shoved the pain down deeper where it did more damage. The price of trying to forget was acting out unprocessed anger and grief. It damaged every relationship I had. Facing what happened in a purposeful manner and walking through the anger and grief was critical.
Forgiving them didn’t erase what happened or my pain, but there came a sense of letting go that was incredibly freeing. Once I was able to process and forgive, I began restoring damaged relationships; even with my mom.
2) Forgiveness really has nothing to do with those that hurt me. It’s all about what goes on in my own head. Forgiving doesn’t mean pretending what they did was okay, or giving them permission to do it again. Forgiveness simply means accepting the facts: they hurt me and they are not the people I want or need them to be. As a Christian, it is also acknowledging our own need for God’s forgiveness.
To get there, though, I had the difficult job of giving myself the emotional space I needed. Because of the extreme nature of my dad’s abuse, I ultimately chose to estrange myself from my family. It was an agonizing decision that resulted in much criticism and resistance. In the end, however, it was one of the most significant ways I began paving the way to the freedom of forgiving.
My difficult past will always be a part of me, but my present is now very fulfilling, and my future looks even better because I chose to forgive but not forget.
Forgetting may waste what we could learn
Bad things can often be redeemed through what we learn or what we become as a result of the experience. If we forget completely, don’t we risk losing that opportunity for redemption? Like a child who learns not to touch a hot stove, surely we can learn things from being wronged that will minimize the chances of our being a victim again.
It’s a continuum, not black and white
Clearly, there’s a lot of gray area between wanting revenge and forgiving completely. Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., psychotherapist and the author of Forgiving and Not Forgiving, acknowledges that some resolution can occur in the middle when the victim can say, “I can never feel OK about these terrible things, but I’m not going to be vengeful.” Dr. Safer goes on to reframe what forgiveness might entail: “Forgiveness involves wishing the other well. You’re already there if you don’t wish them ill.”
It’s your turn
Do you think we should forget as well as forgive? Let us know in the comment section below.
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Elizabeth, thank you for writing and sharing this very well written post on a topic I think all of us will will have to deal with at some point in life. Let’s face it. We will be wronged by people. That is a part of life, but when the wrong consists of abuse, and when it comes from loved ones or family members, the ability to forgive becomes a difficult task. This statement is so powerful: “The memory of the wrong done to us doesn’t have to be erased from our mind for us to conduct ourselves in a forgiving way.”
I have had to work through a lot of forgiveness towards family members in the past year. I especially have had to work through the hurt of a broken relationship with my sister. This break has baffled me, and it is one I still don’t understand. I have not felt unforgiving towards her during the entire time of not having a relationship, but I have felt deep pain which led me to seek guidance on more than one occasion from a therapist, a pastor, and a woman who works in reconciliation ministry. All told me that until my sister seeks reconciliation with me and has a forgiving spirit there is nothing I can do but pray. They read what she wrote me and listened to my understandings of what she wrote and told me that clearly the way she wrote and what she wrote seemed to mean the problem is with her. They said that the way she never called and told me about my “wrongs” spoke of a very poor way to solve a problem. Also, since much of what I was accused of seemed to be conjecture or misunderstanding on her part, it seemed to them like she was being unfair and immature in not just addressing the problems with me before sending messages of accusations and declaring she never wanted to hear from me again. I have sought reconciliation and forgiveness but have been rebuffed. Now, I just pray for a time of forgiveness on her part and reconciliation.
You have brought so many wonderful resources to us in this post. It is one that needs pondering. I do believe that the thought on redemption that you included is especially powerful. Forgetting does seem to minimize the impact that the sin against one has had on the other’s life. When we are sinned against, abused, or lied about, it hurts. Carrying vengeance and bitterness over these wrongs causes us to turn that sin into an even greater sin against us. It also makes the possibility for reconciliation and redemption of the sin less viable.
Thank you again for writing and sharing your thoughts on this matter.
Exacty what I needed this morning. People often quote a much over used statement ‘forgive & forget’ and then have the nerve to imply you are being a baby Christian if you can’t do it. My thought, if you don’t remember, what is in place to prevent you from repeating the act? I have no problem with forgiveness but I do not forget. It’s a process that takes time. Like a bad relationship that caused a tremendous amount of hurt/pain, it takes time for you to heal. If you see the same qualities in the next partner, red flags or warning lights goes up. Then you will know to stay clear or you will repeat the same hurt & pain.
I believe in forgiveness because it gives me a sense of freedom from the issues at hand. Now forgetting is a little different. It will eventually take a seat in the back parts of my mind and not so easily recalled. Thanks for this article.
Thank you for your very important and articulate contribution to this conversation, Angela. I appreciate your confirmation that this subject can’t be simplified and glossed over—and certainly it can’t be used as a barometer for what one’s maturity is as a Christian. These are tough issues, but I believe we honor God when we grapple with them as honestly as we can.
Yes for wonderful forgiveness and for be good to our neighbor who hurt us in life and God love our style to forget in love and for kindness in blessing and in thankful to God how we learn us to be good around us in Jesus name ,thanks and bless and pray,keijo sweden
Thank you for visiting and leaving a comment, Keijo! Love to you.
I saw your comment on ClickNewz and came here. I love your thoughts, the way you present them and especially this article. You have shown your love for God with writing about Him in the face of so many denying there is one.
There are so few people who want to stand out in the crowd and profess their faith and love for Jesus Christ now days. I admire Bill O’Reilly – Fox News for the same reason; though sometimes he gets a little over-bearing with guests.
Your blog is beautiful, I am working on mine and I have more tweaking, adjusting, and work to do. You write with such ease, confidence and it is engaging.
I am glad that I found you.
Re: Forgiveness, I believe that God forgives and He forgets until we do it again!!! lol. We humans tend to keep doing the same things over and over sometimes and in the end, we need a rude awakening to help us move past our weaknesses.
Thank you so much!
Linda, I’m so pleased you came here to visit and liked what you saw. I especially appreciate your taking the time to think about this post and leave such thoughtful comments. I certainly wish you well with your own blog and will pay you a visit. I am always tweaking, adjusting, and working too — that is an ongoing process, whether you’ve been blogging two months or two years.
I especially appreciate your comments about my showing my love for God. I have grown into that. Early on, I mistakenly tried to use generic words for religious things in an attempt to be all things to all people. Then I began to notice the wrote more directly I wrote, such as when I called God God (instead of Source or Higher Power), it resonated with those who most needed the message. I appreciate your confirmation of this.
Elizabeth, this is such a powerful topic. I really praise you for posing the question.
As I’ve read and re-read the comments of your readers and your responses, I am reminded of how complicated and difficult the concept of forgiveness is. Our lives and perspectives are fluid, and we each come from such different places. There is no perfect recipe for forgiveness. We must give each other the space to find our own way through the maze.
Denise, you’ve added something critically important here. Part of the grace of forgiveness—whether it is flowing to others or to ourselves — is remembering there is no right or wrong way to handle these challenges in our lives (and the best way may be different now than it will be a year from now). We must be diligent not to judge anyone, including ourselves, for the choices they make as they navigate the complexity you refer to.
It’s not that we forget. I don’t believe God actually forgets. I believe that God remembers the sin, and also remembers that he forgave the sin. I believe we also strive to forgive, and remember the injury–remembering also that we forgave, or are trying to forgive.
This is beautiful and profound, Alexander. Your comments elevate the dialogue to an even more spiritual plane. Thank you so, so much.
NOTE: The Very Rev. Alexander D. MacPhail has been a guest and has been quoted on this blog before. Be sure to visit his own blog
A Way Through The Wildnerness.
First, I want to say that I’ve read this blog about a dozen times since it was posted. Each time I come away with new thoughts…
Second, I want to say what a heroin Denise is to me. She’s endured unspeakable pain and abuse, and speaks about it on her blog. She is truly a wonder and inspiration to me. Had I endured what she endured…I just don’t know if I could forgive.
I think it’s horrible that people asked her to “forget about it.” How insensitive. Like it never happened? Awful.
“Permission to do it again.” Wow. How insightful. Just because you forgive someone for their transgression does not give them permission to do it again.
I too have distanced myself from a hurtful family member (not the ex this time, but a brother). I realized he was toxic to my well being and I chose to eliminate him from my life. Hurt like hell for me to tell him I did not want him in my life any more, but, yes, better for me.
And, we must all realize the times that we have hurt others. Nothing as horrible as what Denise and I have endured, but still, we have all hurt other people. Will they forgive me? If they say they forgive me, do they mean it? Will they ever forget? I think not.
This is an awesome post, Elizabeth. I thank you and Denise for putting it out there.
Karen, I have read and re-read this post several times as well. I am so intrigued by the topic, and Elizabeth’s question made me revisit my journey in a new way.
I appreciate and admire your similar choice to eliminate a toxic brother from your life. People who have not made these difficult choices don’t understand we are not trying to be cruel, we are simply trying to protect ourselves.
And your insight about us hurting others is right on target. Sometimes I’ve realized I hurt someone, but I’m sure there have been many times I was clueless to what I did.
Thanks for your part in bringing me to this important discussion.
Karen, I am truly moved that this has become such a rich source of thought and discussion. It was your terrific idea to get personal examples, and for that I am so grateful. Contributions from you and Denise took it from abstract to personal, from “out there” to “right here,” and I am so grateful for your willingness to be vulnerable by sharing it with others.
I’m also glad you reminded us all that undoubtedly we have hurt people too. Guilt and regret are such burdens. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, and forgiving ourselves for things is sometimes the hardest of all.
Elizabeth,
This is powerful post! I wish I had time to full comment, but I have limited time in the mornings these days (maybe I should become a night owl and I could start to write again!). I am sharing this far and wide as they are the words that are the start of the change our world needs most.
Virtual hugs,
Mimi
Thank you so much, Mimi! You have done so much thinking and writing yourself about spiritual health and the power of goodness in our lives. I so appreciate your taking the time to read and comment. And of course you’re welcome to comment more than once if you want to add anything! 🙂
Even the Lord Himself does not say He will forget our sins, only that He will ‘remember them no more’…Hebrews 8:12
Yes, we can (and should) forgive and do our best to remember others’ trepasses against us no more. Leave the rest to God.
That is so true, Ellen. Relinquishing our pain to God is so, so important and such a worthy goal in every situation. Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and reminding us of this important step towards spiritual health. “Let go and let God.” It’s a cliché for a reason! :-).
I’m all about forgiving, but have struggled with forgetting, though I want to forget–“love keeps no record of wrongs.” I’ve come to think of forgiveness as bi-level. There’s the overt conscious act, and it frees me. But there is another layer underneath, and in reading this post, I’m thinking it may be the covert layer of forgetting. Forgetting is not an act. We can’t will ourselves to forget something. Experiences permeate our cells.
I have a family member I love deeply, but some of the things she has said to me over the years has changed our relationship. When we get together, I am guarded. I can’t will myself to be otherwise–it’s how my physical body reacts–because it remembers. The only chance for new unguarded reactions is for me to be with her repeatedly where I see there is nothing more to guard myself against. Or I could forget if she were to apologize and show me she understood the hurt she inflicted and gave me her word she would never do it again.
That would take forgiveness from not just an act, but something my entire being feels on both a conscious and subconscious level. This is always my hope, but it doesn’t always happen.
Lisa, thank you for this poignant and honest response, and you have beautifully expressed the complexity and multi-layered nature of forgiveness. I’m not sure it’s unhealthy to be guarded against someone who has hurt you in the past. And I would question whether you could forget even if the likelihood of her hurting you again seems remote.
It never ceases to amaze me how those we love the most have the potential to hurt us the most. Love makes us vulnerable, but after following Dr. Brené Brown’s work and teaching on vulnerability, I have come to realize this very vulnerability is what makes us able to live a wholehearted life.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope and pray that talking about these things can help others lance the boils of pain in their own lives so the poison can get out where it no longer hurts them.
Thank you, Elizabeth.