Welcome to guest blogger and Connection Messenger Dr. Niamh Clune (see her bio below). It’s a fascinating piece that will, I hope, encourage you to reflect on your own “Emotional Fitness” and realize how the balance between thinking and feeling impacts all our relationships. We welcome your comments below.
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Time to put on my “Doctor” hat again and invite you to talk about feelings…I want to raise the issue of thinking versus feeling…
Does your partner profess to being logical, rational, reasonable, in control, whilst declaring your outbursts as emotional, illogical, irrational or unbalanced?
You get the picture…
You try to express yourself, explaining something that you feel. You try to explain a subtle event that passed between you that, on the surface, seemed perfectly logical and reasonable to your partner, yet hurt your feelings, made you feel dismissed, patronised, misunderstood, alone, untouched.
The more you try to explain whatever-it-was-that-hurt-you, the more entangled becomes the argument, the more heated the emotional responses, the more you feel exposed, like a thing being observed at the end of a microscope.
If this is how you feel, your partner despises emotion, disrespects the world of feeling and meaning and has made of the intellect a god. In your relationship, thinking and feeling are polarised, and it is possible that both partners in this dance have something to learn. There is a huge divide between you across which, you must build a bridge.
The fact is, according to Jung, the ‘feeling’ function is the other rational function to ‘thinking.’ What Jung meant by ‘function’ is something that should work for us. It helps us relate to, sift, sort, and separate emotion.
The feeling function is an organ of consciousness through which we can say, “I feel,” and then define what it is we are feeling. For example, “I feel anger, I feel hurt, I feel sorrow, sadness, joy, loss, despair, jealous, depressed, lonely, happy, included, excluded, love…” “I” is consciousness, the part of you that maintains objectivity, yet is enabled to enter the feeling domain to experience the emotion, remain aware of it, remain separate from it, whilst also, well…feeling it.
Through the feeling function, we are enabled to develop a relationship to our emotions rather than being swept away by them, or losing consciousness because of them. A person with a well-developed feeling function is able to enter into the wider field of indwelling, resonance, presence, empathy, unity, and being. Without these qualities that deepen our humanity, the world is reduced, our experience of it limited.
Learning how to relate to our emotions is essential. I call this developing Emotional Fitness. Wouldn’t we like to teach emotional fitness skills to our children? Some of us are more emotionally fit than others. It falls to us to pass on those skills to those who might be so out of touch with their emotions, that for them, relating to emotion means to enter an alien world which is frightening, overwhelming and impotent-making. In those predominantly “thinking types,” emotional responses such as fear, feelings of impotence, or frustration are usually completely unconscious and undifferentiated, and instead of being felt consciously, are usually converted into rage…the most irrational of all responses.
“Emotional Fitness”is a pending trade mark.
Photo credits: “Mask” photos by Felix Atsoram, Argentina via StockXChng
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Dr. Niamh Clune is the author of the Skyla McFee series: Orange Petals in a Storm, and Exaltation of a Rose, which is soon to be released. She is also the author of The Coming of the Feminine Christ. As founder and CEO of Plum Tree Books, Niamh recently produced an anthology of happy and sad stories from childhood: Every Child is Entitled to Innocence. The proceeds of this book go to Child Helpline International. This was followed by a second anthology of poetry, Song Of Sahel, to raise funds for the plight of those in Sahel. During her career as a psychotherapist, Niamh worked in Africa for Oxfam and UNICEF. She is an award-winning social entrepreneur, environmental campaigner, poet, author and singer/songwriter.
Connect with Niamh:
From reading your book: The Coming of the Feminine Christ, am I to understand that it is actually more essential that we do not try to separate our feelings from our thinking and that showing a feeling response to a situation is healthier then burying our feelings in favor of just using our abilities to think as the “right” way to communicate. In our culture, we have adapted the Eastern Philosophy of meditation, and turned it into the thought that in order to be a complete self that we strive toward mellowness and leave out feelings (emotions) behind. That they are seen as something negative rather than a way in which to incorporate all ways of communicating. Emotions have been given a bad rap in favor of keeping it all together and expressing ourselves strictly on the level of thought only. How healthy or unhealthy is this way of perceiving emotions and thoughts on the level of Feeling Function and Thinking Function? Jennifer Kiley
Ooooh, a really juicy question, Jennifer. I’m going to ask Niamh to respond.
With no professional credentials in the counseling/psychology line, I’ll offer my opinion. I don’t think burying feelings can possibly be healthy, though I think there are ways to express those feelings that are more loving than others.
I have understood the Buddhist/Eastern approach and mellowness to be not so much burying emotion as putting it right out in front of you and acknowledging it without judgment. In doing so, it seems to lose its power to be so hurtful and destructive.
I’ll be very interested in Niamh’s response.
It is never healthy to bury feelings. Feelings need to be felt without being judged…given permission to simply be. Otherwise, we are in danger of covering over emotion with transcendental elegance.
Feelings are like water. They need to flow. In this way, they move and change, and are fluid, rather than becoming rigid and hardened. Feeling teaches us about ourselves and our humanity. It is not enough just to observe our feelings either. They need to felt consciously through the process of ‘Indwelling.’
I am not suggesting that thinking and feeling should be separated, but should be understood as distinctive functions, serving a different and valuable purpose. One function should never be used to wage war on or disrespect the other. Thinking and feeling are so often are polarised. This is one of the problems that causes conflict in relationships. In my book, The Coming Of The Feminine Christ, I am talking about the integration of thinking and feeling in the sacred inner marriage, and how to deepen compassion and understanding and awaken the heart to its full potential. My next in the series of blogs will be more about the ‘how’ to remain conscious of our emotional responses and what they have to teach us.
P.s. this response was for Jennifer Kiley!
Thank you for your extensive answer. I have always felt it is important to know ones feelings and to understand them as well to know what one thought about something. Bringing together both into a cooperation with the other. I will continue to read both your book repeatedly and your blog post series on Emotional Fitness (TM) which is mind opening as well as bringing a clearer understanding of Feeling and Thinking and their functions. Jennifer ps. I do have a great deal to learn.
ps. This was meant in response to Niamh Clune’s answer. And I do thank you Elizabeth Cottrell for bringing this post and guest to your blog. Thank you.
Thank You for your responses. There is so much misunderstanding of the Feeling Function that understanding our own feelings first is essential before we can relate to the feelings of others. We have heard of Emotional Intelligence. It is to this ability I refer. Emotional Intelligence is the concept. Emotional Fitness is the execution!
We “own” our feelings. They are there. Period. How we or others respond or react to them is another matter. One which I find to cause many problems in relationships. Why can’t we use our thinking to simply respond & NOT react??? It should be so simple, but we get in our own way.
So true, so true, Trudy. Thanks so much for stopping by to comment.
One of the main reasons I am no longer with my last husband is because of this “feelings” problem. I’d try to explain how I felt, my feelings. He would say something like “How can you feel that way?” and then explain to me why I shouldn’t feel that way. How can one person dictate feelings to another person? Feelings are completely personal. No two people “feel” the same way about anything. It is difficult to put yourself in someone else’s position when they are feeling a certain way. You do not have their experiences, their upbringing, their horrors or triumphs. All you can do is listen and express your love and support.
You’re right, Karen, feelings are indeed completely personal.
My sister and a professional associate co-authored a book that made me realize how different personality types can approach the same scenario from entirely different viewpoints: I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just Not You: http://amzn.to/SRjqEa
Thank You, Elizabeth for posting my article on Thinking versus Feeling! This is an area that I think leaves many people feeling flummoxed!
I agree, Niamh, and I’m so grateful you were willing to share it with Heartspoken readers. It’s hard to remember, when you’re in the midst of an argument or disagreement, that each of us comes to a problem with different perspectives, and perceptions, and certainly with different tolerances for emotional intensity. Awareness is the first critical step, and I believe you’ve raised awareness for those reading your article.