I graduated in 1971 from Randolph-Macon Woman’s College, a liberal arts college in Lynchburg, Virginia. The college is now co-ed and has recently changed its name to Randolph College. I’ve just returned from my 45th reunion, and out of a class of about 140, we had 22 women return, some for the first time since we graduated. I’ve been back for reunions before, but this was the first time I stayed in the dorm with the other “girls.” This provided a quality of fellowship I hadn’t experienced when I attended only the planned events, primarily because of the impromptu gatherings in the dorm between the last event of the day and bedtime, during which we laughed and cried, reminisced and shared our lives with each other.
The three-hour drive home gave me a chance to reflect on the rich experience and wonder why it seemed so profoundly special. Here are a few of the life lessons I learned:
1. There’s a strong bond from shared experience.
The four years we shared as college students comprised a formative time in our lives. They included daily steeping in the values and principles of the institution, high standards of academic endeavor, and clear expectations of our responsibility as educated, relatively privileged young women. The late sixties and early seventies were years of great political unrest and social upheaval. The Vietnam War was raging, peace protests and sit-ins were being staged on college campuses around the country, and Civil Rights were yet to be fully realized, especially in the southern town of Lynchburg. While our class members formed a continuum of choices made around these various issues, the fact that we lived through them and faced them together created a shared experience that has become an unspoken bond between us. We know who we were and what we did together, so even decades later, we have been able to pick up where we left off and build a new relationship based on that foundation.
2. Life is a great leveler. We’re not as different as we thought we were.
The things that seemed to separate us in college (opinions about the Vietnam War, looks, fashion, money, politics, marijuana use, etc.) are just no longer divisive at our age. The life events we’ve all been through make us fellow travelers on life’s rocky road, and we felt the instant recognition forged by those experiences:
• We’ve all faced life’s ups and down.
• We’ve all had wins and we’ve all had losses.
• We’ve all had trials and tribulations.
• We’ve all known disasters and disappointments.
• We’ve all done what we could to make a difference in our little corners of the world.
Some had become physicians, attorneys, and judges. Others pursued their interests, academic, and creative passions as artists, historians, writers, educators, and musicians. One was an Army pediatric nurse who became a high level military advisor. Many have worked tirelessly in their communities for charitable, educational, and civic organizations and causes, serving on boards and town councils, and various leadership roles. I felt an enormous affection for these wonderful women and who they’ve become. In all the ways that matter, they are examples of Vita Abundantior—the life more abundant.
3. Many old assumptions were wrong.
At an earlier reunion, one of my classmates confessed that I had intimidated her when we were in college. Certainly I had my own opinions about some classmates who were different from me. I know now, of course, the really beautiful girls were also smart and deserved better than to be thought of as “party girls.” At our age, inner beauty is far more important anyway, and physical beauty fades. I know now that those who were using marijuana and drugs—or participated in protests—should not have been dismissed as rebels or trouble makers. They were, in fact, courageous in standing up for what they believed, pushing boundaries, and trying new things (even if some might have been ill-advised). Those who were shy have become strong, and those who were strong are sometimes weaker than we supposed. One of my classmates who attended on scholarship because of financial need admitted she had a chip on her shoulder about the students she felt were “better off” than she was.
It’s easy to be dismissive of someone who’s different. We so often make assumptions about them, but often those assumptions are wrong.
4. We can’t take anything for granted.
By the time of our 45th reunion in 2016, 22 of our classmates had died—more than in some classes older than ours. We found this quite sobering, and it was a grim reminder that no matter how old—or young—we are or how healthy we believe ourselves to be, life can end in a heartbeat. We tried to honor these 22 classmates by pulling out our year books, finding their picture, and sharing our memories of them or what we knew about their lives since graduation. We felt their presence.
While that may seem somewhat morbid, we found it empowering. When you don’t have time to waste, you take your priorities more seriously. You focus on things that matter. You appreciate the good things in your life, including friendships.
I’m really looking forward to our 50th reunion.
You don’t have to have gone to college to learn the lessons I learned from my college reunion. They are lessons we can learn from thinking about other groups we’ve been in for a long time: elementary or high school classes, the military, social clubs, civic clubs, small towns, and even families. Step back and think about those people you’ve known from these connections. What other lessons can we learn?
Try taking these lessons to heart and reconnecting with someone from your past. You might just find a new best friend in someone you thought you didn’t like years ago. At the very least, you’ll bust up a few misconceptions you had about who they were and what they stood for. And who knows…maybe they’ll find you’re way cooler than they thought you were back then too. We can always hope…
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“I Fought For You”
Elizabeth, thank you for this meaningful retrospective of your reunion experience. As others have said, I identified with all of your observations and the meaningfulness of having been blessed with a college experience, and especially a woman’s college. I’m sure coed university women our age also share these feelings but it sure was nice to have had the R-MWC opportunity. Vita abundantior!
(Our class of 1968 has been sharing emails through one alum in our class and continually laughing and crying and supporting each other as we enter these “mature” years). All the best to you!
Judi, what a treat to hear from you, and I so appreciate such strong support from a sister alumna. Even though I felt these things strongly after reunion, the positive response, especially from alums and classmates, has been so gratifying and so appreciated.
What a lovely tribute to your college friends, and even though you may not know it, to yourself, Elizabeth. You are one of those who is as beautiful inside as outside. I think the beauty inside can show up outside in the most amazing ways. BTW, did we discuss before that I attended Mary Washington College (now University) in Fredricksberg? One year of all-girls school was enough for me, and I transferred to a co-ed school in PA. But that year in Virginia formed me, transformed me, and in many ways, I wished I’d remained for the next three years. xo
Ahhhh, thank you, my friend. What a lovely thing for you to say!
No, we did not discuss that you attended Mary Washington! My gosh, that’s not more than an hour or so away. I’m not surprised that Virginia had a role in forming you — it has that effect on a lot of us! I’ll claim you as a fellow Virginian any time, and I look forward to hearing the backstory of how you happened to go to Mary Washington.
Elizabeth, yet AGAIN, you have summarized a meaningful experience so clearly and succinctly. Thanks for sharing your reflections on our reunion.
Fayetta, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to read and comment. I so enjoyed my dinner with you while we were at reunion, and I felt we probably shared a lot of thoughts and attitudes about things relating to the college.
As the chair of Randolph College Reunion and Council Planning Committee, I and the RC Alum Association, cannot thank you enough for sharing your reunion experience so eloquently. Your experience is our goal. See you for that biggest reunion of all…your 50th!!
Thanks so much, Jamie! That means the world to me, and I thought I might re-work it for the Alumnae/Alumni magazine if you think if would fit somewhere. Those of us who attended from our class have vowed to try to let the others know how meaningful it was and how much we want them to join us in five years. I really appreciate your reading and commenting.
Nice post. I particularly liked #2 in the list – that life is a great leveler, and our opinions on other people and their choices can evolve as we continue to grow. That’s one of the gifts of old age as compared to youth, I guess.
Kathleen, I’m so glad you made that point — that these lessons/gifts come from getting older and wiser. There is a lot of silver lining in the cloud of aging, as you address so beautifully in your blog http://bestisyettobe.com.
I didn’t go to college when I should have, but I’m doing it now. Never too late, eh? But just last summer I had occasion to visit with a friend from high school color guard, and we just picked right up where we’d left off. And there is a lot to be said of shared experiences. Even after 40 years, I felt like best friends with this gal, and I found myself wishing I could visit with her often though the miles will keep us apart. I find myself feeling a little left out quite often here in Minot – most of the people that live in this community have been here for their lifetime and speak of many people and families that I know nothing about. It’s hard to break in when “you’re not from here, are you” is heard more often than I care to hear it. Thank goodness I can still keep in touch with all my old pals.
Karen, I’m especially grateful for you to have shared your experience on this topic, because it shows that the lessons can transcend specific groups. Feeling left out is an awful feeling. Sometimes we really are being excluded, and sometimes it just feels that way because others are too shy to reach out. I totally understand the experience you describe of being in an area where you’re an “outsider” unless you’ve been here for a generation or two! It’s that way in parts of the Shenandoah Valley. The area has gotten to be such a popular retirement place, though, that the “outsiders” outnumber the locals, so it’s easier to fit in than it was 30 or 40 years ago.
Oh what fun!
The only reunion I’ve been to was an informal one three years ago. Our occupational therapy class had 8 graduates.I am two years older than the rest of the class, didn’t live in the dorm our senior year, and didn’t really know my classmates well. One classmate gathered six of us for lunch at her house and our reunion ran on into the evening. Wow…six women I hardly knew…all of us grandmothers…all of us with common professional successes and failures. All of us so much wiser, more tolerant, more confident than we had dreamed we’d ever be. It was definitely a day of remembering but even more, a day of affirmation of all we have become.
Thank you, Esther, for sharing this beautiful experience that confirms some of my points. I’m so glad it was such a happy time for you and that the rich connections will continue.
Wonderful post–and so true!
Elizabeth you are such a great writer and capture so perfectly all the reasons reunions can be meaningful. Rekindling relationships, recognizing our shared experiences and restoring parts of ourselves that we may have left behind are so meaningful.
Katherine, you added a reunion benefit I hadn’t really thought through but which is lovely — that it restores parts of ourselves that we may have left behind but are still meaningful. Thank you for adding that rich take-away!
You’ve pretty much nailed why I have not missed a single reunion at Mount Holyoke College (a similar type of college as yours, albeit in New England) since I graduated. In addition to joyful reconnections with friends I don’t keep up with that much between reunions (as well as those I do), I have always had truly thoughtful conversations with women I didn’t know at all or very well in college. And I’m always awed by what extraordinary women my classmates are. I, too, just returned from my 45th, recharged and recommitted to stay in touch more. Like you, we’ve lost too many of our classmates (including two of my best friends) and we can’t take the future for granted.