Welcome to my guest and Connection Messenger* today, Carol Mathias, a professional marriage and family therapy counselor in Georgia. She is recently widowed and has been sharing her “Carolisms” on Facebook about her journey of both loss and discovery. This piece was so poignant—and such a helpful guide for strengthening the connection with the significant others in our life. It behooves each of us to consider whether our behavior in the presence of those we care about expresses indifference or a true desire to connect. * [See right sidebar for a definition of Connection Messenger]
When people ask me “how I am doing” as a widow, especially during the holidays, I can only describe it as a time of great adjustment, compulsion to get things done, and figuring out how to shift the load of life that my husband and I shared for 37 years. Each accomplishment is empowering in that you see things from a new normal, and your perspective is always undergoing changes. Something as simple as dining alone becomes a milestone and getting on with life rather than dwelling on the pain of loss as a daily psychological workout.
On a recent “people watching” solo dinner, I saw three different couples that reminded me of the needs of relationships, the value of working on being present for your partner, and the damage created by neglect and anger. One couple was happily engaged in conversation—laughing, touching, sharing food, and giving each other affection and attention. A second couple appeared miserable, angry and disconnected, with hostile closed-off body language and no eye contact. They never spoke a word to each other. The third couple texted and gave their undivided attention to their phones, distracted and in their own little world—apart.
The moral of the story is simple: How we do anything is how we do everything.
If one of you wins and the other loses, you both lose. Be kind, thoughtful, playful, and forgiving to the ones you love. Rather than wish your partner would change, work on changing how you react to them. Yes, sometimes our spouse can get on our last good nerve, but if you are fortunate enough, you will also be with them as they take their last good breath in your arms.
Never miss a second to make memories, nurture the gift of relationship, and express your love.
Carol Mathias is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and a Certified Hypnotherapist (CHT) at Southern Behavioral Services in Macon, Georgia. A Cum Laude graduate of Wesleyan College, she received a Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Mercer School of Medicine. She also received training from MentorCoach ™ and is a certified DreamCoach”. As a seasoned therapist, success coach and trainer, Carol has established a reputation for her interactive and energetic programs. Specialties include life transition issues, depression and anxiety, trauma and loss and relationship issues. Carol is also a Certified Anger Management Facilitator and is co-founder and co-owner of Anger Management Services.
I see this focus on gadgets everywhere I go…couple of weeks ago, I saw a couple and their little girl out to dinner. The adults played with their phones while the little girl sat there looking sad. When people are given the opportunity to talk to each other, in person, they should take it. I avoid my phone in all social situations (unless I’m taking a picture). Personal engagement is a must!
What a sad thing that must have been. I’ve been with people whose eyes were glued to their phones. And I’m afraid I’ve been guilty of it myself, especially in the car when my husband is driving. I’m trying to be more aware and thoughtful.
Karen I could not agree more!!! What a sad state when someone has their phone out and divides their glance, attention, and focus between watching the device and engaging in a face to face encounter with you. Thanks for your comment!
I love Carol’s ‘Carolisms’ when I see them on Facebook, and I’m overjoyed to see them here on HeartSpoken! Carol, you have such a wonderful way with words and your wisdom, compassion and heart comes through in every sentence you write.
Beautifully said, Ellen! I agree that Carol pulls us all into her circle of love and caring. Thanks so much for stopping by to visit and leave a comment.
Ellen thank you!!! I appreciate your kind words and accolades. It is such a joy to follow HeartSpoken and now I’m so grateful to Elizabeth for the opportunity to be her guest. My heart is full!
While saying, “I love you,” verbally is important, note that Carol also mentions other ways of expressing it–through gestures, looks, attentiveness. Different people need it expressed in different ways. While that couple reading the newspaper may look isolated from each other, in fact that could be a companionable ritual that they have…together. Sometimes, it’s about working on a project together, or watching a TV program or movie together. And what says love for one couple may not for another. We may have to ask our spouses what makes them feel loved, what says “I love you” to them. The answer may be surprising.
Paula, I’m so glad you made this clarification, because it’s certainly true that being together in companionable silence, each doing something different, can be extremely intimate and loving. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Paula this is a good point. Even the act of asking a partner what makes them feel loved is validating and intimacy building. Many clients I see in couple crisis are so hungry for attention and affection! A great question I encourage them to ask each other daily is “What would you want me to know about you or hear about your experiences today?” It reveals great answers and closeness opportunities!
The question was – How do you express your love? By saying those three special words – I love you. Saying them often, with enthusiasm and joy and a look that speaks volumes, even before the words are out. Also by being kind. By recognizing the privileges of sharing every day with another human being who is totally committed to spending their days with you. I find his quirks charming and make his mistakes part of shared loving humor. And when I make a mistake, I ask, “And you STILL love me?” He always assure me he does, or turns it into a chance to tell me again why, and how much. I appreciate the things he does. We smile and accept compromise because we realize how short our time together is. We don’t waste any of it arguing, being angry or frustrated. We want to spend every moment experiencing the miracle of having found each other. If it sounds sucky, it is. And I just love it!
Annette, if ever anyone practiced what they preached, it’s you! You and Bill are wonderful together, and it’s obvious to anyone paying attention that expressing your love in small ways is a high priority for both of you. The idea of turning mistakes into chances for expressing love and appreciation is brilliant!
Readers, you can look forward to more from Annette when she’s a guest on my blog soon. In the meantime, go visit her at http://considerthisradioshow.com.
Annette your expression of being love, doing love, and having love is heartwarming and tender! So glad to hear how this ongoing practice makes such a difference in the way you appreciate and take care of each other. Blessings to you and the joy and wise words you shared. Thanks!
I like to observe couples in a restaurant also. My guy and I learn lessons from them – so sad to see the ones who look like they wish they were with anyone else but the man/woman sitting opposite them. And how about the couple who sits down for breakfast at a lovely restaurant and opens the newspaper and reads different sections, never talking to each other. We made a pact 30 years ago that we’d never do that, and we never have.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have several friends who are suddenly widows, and the journey back to a joy in living is a long and arduous one.
Pamela, you always add so much to the conversation! I know what you mean about the newspaper reading. I see that so often when we travel! And thank you for your lovely comment of understanding to Carol.
Pamela thank you for your kind words and acknowledgement of the grief journey. I love your pact and how intentional you’ve been. It really feels like an accomplishment to keep an agreement that honors both of you and the relationship! Thanks for sharing.