There’s a deep-seated cultural bias toward believing it’s best to be normal.
We all carry this bias in one way or another, no matter how exceptional, renegade, or original we might think ourselves to be. It starts as early as preschool age. Children tease other children relentlessly over features, characteristics, or behaviors they consider abnormal. This makes parents want their children to be “normal” too, so they don’t get teased or bullied.
Even as adults, without even thinking, we constantly, and often unconsciously, compare ourselves to others, consider how different we are from the norm, and conclude whether or not we’re normal.
There are, I suppose, some species-survival reasons for this. When it comes to biological factors, straying too far from normal can cause undesired consequences: being too fat or too thin can cause health risks; having blood pressure that’s too high or too low does the same. When we take our infant to the pediatrician, we’re told whether or not she is above or below normal in height and weight. Researchers trying to measure outcomes to determine if they are statistically significant must always identify what’s average, or normal.
But here’s my problem with worrying about what’s normal.
It makes us compare ourselves with others way more than is healthy, and as Teddy Roosevelt is supposed to have said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
The Internet is a fabulous source of information, but it astronomically multiplies our exposure to blog posts and articles by supposed experts telling us how to accomplish the things that will make us happy and successful (fill in the blanks: get healthier, lose weight, make more money, wear certain clothes, blah, blah, blah). And no, the irony of writing this in my own blog post has not escaped me. But we read these things and we immediately get thrown into a scarcity mentality: I’m not healthy enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m not wealthy enough, I don’t have the right clothes. More insidious is the “bright shiny object syndrome” which convinces us the key to everything good in life is one e-course, book, or webinar away.
But happiness researchers are, thankfully, beginning to remind us to cherish our uniqueness. They urge us to pay attention to what makes us happy or fulfilled and spend less time comparing ourselves to others. Writing in the April 2015 issue of Success Magazine, Shawn Achor advises, “One size does not fit all when it comes to happiness…Average is an imaginary line we draw in the data to make sweeping generalizations…While science gives the big picture, no one has published a study on you. So if you feel a new personal-development strategy isn’t working out for you, don’t give up! Try something new.”
Bravo! I agree completely.
How do you break free from the pull to be normal when it’s not serving you well?
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For years I wanted to be “cool” and “fit in” and was much more comfortable following the “status quo.” I married someone completely opposite who tries to be the opposite of “normal” in every way! With my husband’s help, I have come to realize God did not call us to fit in with everyone else but instead to stand apart from the crowd. Even the Bible says Christians are a “peculiar people.” I have found there is FREEDOM in being who God called me to be instead of being someone the world wants me to be!
Thank you for sharing this, Cari. I hadn’t remembered that scripture for awhile, but it fits beautifully in this conversation, doesn’t it? Yes, the freedom of leaning into the everlasting arms and claiming our birthright is definitely empowering.
Elizabeth thank you for this! My 16 y/o daughter is traversing the treacherous waters of the Sea of Normality. Her ship is small and the waves are large. I pray that she reaches the other shore safely and with all of her precious uniqueness fully intact.
Oh, Ellen, that is such a fragile age. Your analogy of a small ship on stormy seas is a vivid one. I send my own prayers to join with yours. May they smooth the waters around her vessel!
I think there is a lot of pressure – when we are in our first few decades – to go with the flow and be “normal.” I don’t feel that pressure any longer. Once I reached my…hmmm….my 4th decade…I started to feel like I should speak out, loudly, and just be myself. It is a wonderful feeling. This should be encouraged for all. Though I am afraid than many don’t achieve this feeling until they reach their later decades. What a shame.
It really is liberating, isn’t it Karen? And it is, indeed, a shame that many of us don’t find that confidence until later in life. Oh to combine the energy of youth with the courage of age!
I guess it’s been a blessing that I gave up on normal decades ago, Elizabeth. Feels so good to like who and what you are – and to see and feel other people liking it too. And if they don’t, I feel no responsibility to change their minds. They are simply on a track different from mine and if that works for them, I’ll share their happy dance. As I’ve written in http://www.considerthisradioshow.com, spend your days being thankful for what you have, rather than putting off happiness until … So many smiles are lost during the wait.
You are absolutely right, Annette — surely this kind of self-confidence is one of the blessings of “seasoning.” 🙂
Great title to your post! Ah, how I remember the angst of middle school and high school, trying to be ‘normal’ and knowing I just couldn’t quite fit in. I’ve found that writing (and reading) is a wonderful escape from ‘normality,’ and my characters have actually shown me that being quirky and unique makes for a much better story – fiction OR non-fiction. 🙂
Yes, those middle school years can be pretty awful for fitting in. I love the idea of learning from your characters!
Great questions and comments, Esther. You’re right…it’s an age-old problem. Even Shakespeare immortalized the issue when he had Polonius say, “This above all: to thine own self be true.”
I image it is, indeed a life-long struggle, but I believe it has to start with awareness.
Thanks so much for sharing your insights and excellent thoughts.
How do you break free from the pull to be normal when it’s not serving you well?
Elizabeth, if you find the answer to that, please let me know! And how do you give yourself permission to do that, or to recognize what isn’t serving you well?
Where do we draw the line between “my life is good enough this way” and “I’m seriously stuck in a rut”? Or “I really need to do ” and “I need to quit striving to improve myself and accept the person I am.”
I guess this problem has been around quite a while. The Greeks inscribed “Know Thyself” on a temple but they didn’t invent the concept. Maybe it’s just part of life.