We’ve all wanted to comfort someone who was hurting or mourning. My guest Annette Petrick shares some simple wisdom that will equip you well the next time you find yourself in that situation.
Use the audio player below to listen to this 90-second show.
“I know how you feel.” People often say that, to show empathy with someone else. The truth is, you probably have no idea how they feel. And saying that you do may really aggravate the other person or make them want to scream back that you could not possibly feel their pain.
So how do you comfort someone over a loss or a tragedy? You might say – I know how I would feel in that situation. You might even find better words to use.
Often, it’s best to just be quiet. Be a sounding board, rather than someone who gives advice. Let the other person vent or cry on your shoulder. A gentle touch…a hug …the holding of a hand – all those can express empathy better than a speech.
Sometimes you’ll share the tears; sometimes you’ll dry them. Just being there with someone you care for can be the greatest gift in their time of need. Being there…and quiet…and listening…and sharing.
You won’t find that prescription on a bottle of medication. You’ll find it in your soul.
Don’t be afraid of the person in pain. Don’t try to convince them things will be better. Just be there for them, with love in your heart.
It works.
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Annette Petrick for Consider This
Annette Petrick is the creative genius and inspired storyteller behind the Consider This Radio Show, featuring 90-second episodes serving up “timely perspectives on life, love, friends, family, giving back, and giving thanks.” Be sure to get on her email list HERE. She sends out a new 90-second episode every Sunday morning.
This post appeared originally on the Consider This Radio Show website.
Widen The Circle Of Love
Just using our presence as an act of love is sometimes the hardest thing to do. We want to HELP. We want to MAKE A DIFFERENCE and take away our friend’s or loved one’s hurt. But yes, sometimes our words actually make it worse. Silence is golden in these cases, but a hug and a warm embrace can make a huge difference. I like the way you say the prescription comes from our soul, not from medicine.
Comments in response to my guest post are really appreciated. I read something from the MS organization recently – “7 Things Never to Say to Someone with MS.” It followed the same theme as my post here. They said it does little good to tell someone with MS things like – I know how your feel – or even worse, to make suggestions on what would “cure” them or make them better. As some of you said, it is human to want to fix things. But sometime a smile and a hug are far more effective than advice.
I sometimes ask questions…like “How do you feel?” or “Do you think she lived a good life?” or “What can I do?” Sometimes these questions bring about more crying….but if you are “there,” that’s all that’s needed.
Karen, I think you’re onto something here –The best kinds of questions are those that simply acknowledge their loss and the pain but don’t necessarily try to “fix” them or make them feel better. If they feel heard and cared for, that is often comfort enough.
I could not agree more!
Thanks, Esther! This really resonated with me too.
Just being there, I agree, is the best thing you can do. People have said to me ‘I know how you feel’ and it does aggravate. Even if it’s a similar situation (death of a parent or relative or friend) one person has no idea how the other is feeling. This is a good reminder to just be there and listen.
I really appreciate your sharing your experience, Karen. It’s so human to try to comfort with a comment like “I know how you feel” and so counterintuitive to just be quiet when all you want to do is “fix things.” I was glad to be reminded of this in Annette’s beautiful and thought-provoking piece.