Comfort levels vary, but there’s always room to grow
Some of us are more comfortable in social situations than others, but researchers have shown that regardless of where you fall on the extrovert/introvert continuum, you can expand your social network and improve your connection skills.
This is very good news.
Why should you care?
Researchers in psychology and brain science—such as the work on emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman and work on positive emotions by Barbara Fredrickson—are finding more and more correlation between our neurophysiology (i.e. “our hardwiring”) and our emotions or feelings. This has led to fascinating conclusions about the basis for happiness, and there is now no doubt that our capacity to connect meaningfully with others is tied very closely to our happiness and sense of well being.
Psychologists Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson have done fascinating work cataloging character strengths that contribute to a happy life and are protective in times of trouble. They found that interpersonal virtues such as gratitude, kindness, and capacity for love—all elements of strong interpersonal connections—are much more strongly tied to happiness than virtues such as curiosity and love of learning. (See reference and books below by Seligman and Peterson).
How can you expand your social network and cultivate connection skills?
Here are several activities you might enjoy, even if you’re an introvert. They can help you expand your social network, increase your chance for connecting with others, and practice your social connection skills. You might even have fun at the same time!
- Join a special interest club or class. Whether you love to knit or hike or go spelunking or listen to Mozart, there is a club or class for it. Community colleges and parks and recreation departments often have a surprising array of offerings. You’re sure to meet others who share your interests.
- Get outside. Whether you’re walking through the neighborhood, walking your dog, pruning your hedge, or watching the birds, you have a chance to greet people you pass and possibly strike up a conversation.
- Get some exercise. Join an aerobics or yoga class at a local gym. Ask around to see if anyone else at work wants to walk during lunch.
- Volunteer. The bonding that takes place when individuals come together for a common cause is very special. Find a cause or nonprofit about which you can feel passionate, and enjoy meeting others who share those feelings.
- Explore a faith community. Psychologists have found religious people to be among the happiest. They believe it is greatly because of the strong connections they make within such a community.
- Join or form a parents’ group. This can be a neighborhood group or something related to your children’s school. Meeting other parents gives you a chance to connect and reach out to others who might appreciate sharing their concerns and fears. Grandparents can form groups too!
- Invite someone. Ask someone to meet you for coffee or a meal. Invite them over for tea. If you’re more comfortable in a small group, invite a few people over so there are more people to carry the conversation. If the idea of calling people to do this is too daunting, find someone who is more outgoing than you are and tell them you’d love to host a little gathering at your house if he or she will make the calls.
Have you ever tried any of these and found them helpful? Are there other connection strategies that have worked for you and you’d be willing to share? Please leave a comment below.
Don’t let shyness or lack of experience deprive you of meaningful connections in your life. Start right now and get better at connecting. Your happiness might depend on it.
Reference
Peterson, Christopher, and Martin E. P. Seligman, Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. American Psychological Association & Oxford University Press. New York, 2004.
In Praise of Courtesy
I’m a natural introvert, thus I’ve found connecting through my blog (and others’), bonding with friends old and new through Facebook, and e-mailing every day, helps me open up. AND, having just moved to a new town, I’ve signed up and attended some adult ed (hiking) classes – that will get me networked, for sure. 🙂
Pamela, I hope you’ll let us know whether any of these helps you as you embark on your new adventure. I especially love your idea of adult ed hiking classes — what a great way to stay healthy and meet like-minded people at the same time.
We’ve been fortunate enough to become snowbirds; spending the winter in Florida and the rest of the year in Virginia. Although we have a large, comfortable social network here in the Valley, we have made only a few connections in Florida. My fiance Bill and I were just discussing what we can do to expand that network. We hit on most of the 7 suggestions you made, and appreciate the new ideas. They all relate to the fact that you won’t make new friends, sitting in your living room. We will be reaching out, next year, and will let you know what happened.
I’m so appreciative of your comments, Annette, because there are so many of us baby-boomers who are making significant changes from one community to another and for all kinds of reasons. These connecting skills may become as important as ever, even as we get older, and I look forward to hearing which of your connection adventures is the most fun and satisfying.
Believe it or not, I was still an introvert into H.S. Then I joined the marching band! Ever since I’ve been a bit of an extrovert. I already do many of your numbered items above. I need to reach out to more friends locally, I think. Thanks or the little push!
Isn’t it interesting that people who appear to be so self-assured are often introverts. Partly, I think, that’s because we associate the words “extrovert” and “introvert” with whether someone is outgoing or not, and the real definition has to do with whether being around others energizes you or, on the flip side, wears you out. I am outgoing and extroverted in many ways, but I still experience that feeling of angst before stepping into a room full of people.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Karen, and for reminding us all that we can always do something to expand our horizons in this area.
I’m living proof that each of these strategies works. I was an introvert in high school and college, socially inept and uncomfortable. One by one I participated in each of these opportunities to expand my social networking (only we didn’t call it that) and in each venue learned more about myself and others. Took a long time, but being involved with other people is now the best part of life.
Of course, right now the best people to be involved with are that brand new granddaughter and her parents!
Thank you so much for confirming this, Esther! And you are a shining example of the benefits of such activity, because you have been so involved in our community and have contributed immeasurably, all because you put yourself out there.
Enjoy that new grandbaby!
That is high praise indeed, coming from you, Elizabeth. I don’t know of anyone more involved in community nor more influential. Thank you.
Thank you! Involved, yes…influential? Depends on who you talk to :-).