“It takes very little these days to stand out from the crowd. Sincere courtesy and simple kindness are like a bright light in a dark room.”
~ Lydia Ramsey, International business etiquette expert
Today is a fifth Monday, which means you get pot luck when it comes to a topic. I often use these breaks in my regular editorial calendar (see below) to promote the revival of personal handwritten notes, but today, I wanted to reflect on a notion I came across in reading a book by Clarence Ogle:
“Someone said that courtesy is the lubricant of human relationships.”
What an interesting and thought-provoking image! Its significance belies the rather old-fashioned tarnish around the word “courtesy.” It seems out of style, somehow—along with another important word, “civility,” which I’ll talk about another time.
Let’s start with some basic definitions
From Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, I found the following:
cour·te·sy
noun \ˈkər-tə-sē, British also ˈkȯr-\
- polite behavior that shows respect for other people
- something you do because it is polite, kind, etc.
- something you say to be polite, especially when you meet someone
Full definition of COURTESY
- behavior marked by polished manners or respect for others<courteous behavior>
- a courteous and respectful act or expression
- a general allowance despite facts: indulgence <hills are called mountains by courtesy only>
- consideration, cooperation, and generosity in providing something (as a gift or privilege); also: agency, means—used chiefly in the phrases through the courtesy of or by courtesy of or sometimes simply courtesy of
Its first known use was from the 13th century.The derivation of the word is said to be from the Middle English corteisie and from Anglo-French curteisie. Elsewhere, it is traced to the French word coeur, meaning heart. I rather like that last meaning.
lu·bri·cant
noun \ˈlü-bri-kənt\
- a substance (such as grease or oil) that causes something (such as a machine part) to be slippery and to move more smoothly
- something that makes it easier for people to work or talk with each other
Full Definition of LUBRICANT
- a substance (as grease) capable of reducing friction, heat, and wear when introduced as a film between solid surfaces
- something that lessens or prevents friction or difficulty <a social lubricant>
Its first known use was in the 1820s. The derivation is said to be from the Latin word lūbricāre: to make slippery.
Courtesy has never been more important!
I see courtesy as the most basic and primal kind of connection with other people, and surely sociologists and anthropologists could argue that it is even a survival skill, certainly a social survival skill, if not a physical one. In its role as a lubricant, it often does, indeed, smooth out the rough edges in our relationships and create space for trust and friendship to grow. As the word cloud above suggests, courtesy can encompass elements of so many other virtues: kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion, grace, sympathy, and generosity.
Using a spiritual lens to consider courtesy, it essentially embraces the Golden Rule, a prominent teaching in virtually every major religion. The Christian version from the teaching of Christ is, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” St. Paul wrote to the Galatians, “For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” Here are some similar ideas espoused in other religions or philosophies (See http://www.thegoldenrule.net/quotes.htm):
- Commonsensism: A version of the golden rule put into modern, non-religious terms that some people live by is, “Treat people the way you’d like to be treated”.
- Buddhism: 560 BC, From the Udanavarga 5:18- “Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.”
- Judaism: 1300 BC, from the Old Testament, Leviticus 19:18- “Thou shalt Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
- Hinduism: 3200 BC, From the Hitopadesa- “One should always treat others as they themselves wish to be treated.”
- Zoroastrianism: 600 BC, From the Shast-na-shayast 13:29- “Whatever is disagreeable to yourself, do not do unto others.”
- Confucianism: 557 BC, From the Analects 15:23- “What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.”
Even if you take every moral or religious spin away from the significance of courtesy, we humans are hard-wired to respond positively when someone is courteous to us. From a purely selfish standpoint, being courteous—remember the word lubricant?—can “grease the skids” of your track towards recognition and success.
Courtesy’s constant companions: respect and thoughtfulness
Perhaps one reason courtesy is such a valuable commodity is because it always co-exists with respect and thoughtfulness. Even when motives are selfish, it is virtually impossible to exhibit courtesy without giving thought for the other person’s situation, and doing so usually results in showing respect. I’ve quoted my friend Lydia Ramsey at the top of this post, because she knows more about the importance of courtesy and etiquette than anyone else I know. She agreed with me in linking courtesy with the universal sentiments of respect and kindness when she wrote, “It never ceases to amaze me as I travel back and forth halfway across the world from Savannah, GA, (USA) to Bangalore, India…that while cultures, customs and traditions may vary greatly, people basically are the same. Courtesy, kindness and respect for others remain the standard worldwide.”
The uncommon stands out
As Lydia’s opening quote reveals above, another reason courtesy is such a valuable commodity is because it’s more rare than it should be. Use this to your advantage. Resolve to be even more courteous than you already are (I know readers of Heartspoken are going to be far more courteous than most.). You will enjoy it, and as you create your own light in the darkness, you’ll also be basking in its glow.
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Did you know I have an editorial calendar for Heartspoken?
You may have noticed a pattern, but I do my best to bring you the following content about life’s essential connections:
- On the first and third Mondays of each month, my theme is connecting with others.
- On the first and third Thursdays of each month, my theme is connecting with self.
- On the second and fourth Mondays, my theme is connecting with nature.
- On the second and fourth Thursdays, my theme is connecting with God. [/stextbox]
Finding Encouragement Through Fellowship
I love the “one person at a time” thought. If we all could make one human gesture a day…snowball, snowball… Every time someone makes a grand gesture toward me, I’m more inclined to pay it forward.
Karen, you’ve articulated yet another wonderful result of kindness and courtesy — it increases the likelihood that the beneficiary will pay it forward to someone else. What a marvelous visual for the ripple effect!
Such faith for a renaissance of courtesy, Denise! In this crazy, hurried world that we live in, just noticing someone and showing a little courtesy and consideration impart a distinct blessing. How many persons on the brink of suicide have awakened to hope because of someone’s simple act of kindness?
You are so right, Clarence, and I’m so glad you made that crucial observation and extension of Denise’s thinking. We may never know how much difference our small gestures make, but I’ll bet when we get to the other side, we’ll be amazed that what we thought of as insignificant was life-changing for someone else. If we keep on being conduit’s for God’s love whenever we get the chance, that will multiply and change the world.
Wonderful topic, Elizabeth.
It’s unfortunate that “common courtesy” is far from common anymore.
Awareness is key to making change happen -one person at at time.
Thanks for being a part of beautiful change!
Thank you, Denise! I love your reminder that change happens one person at a time. That is such a wise and vital observation, and it applies to so many things in life. One person does make a difference, and one person at a time is how most pivotal change occurs.
What a beautifully written article, Elizabeth. I am honored to have been quoted. I fully intend to pass this on. Lydia
Thank you, Lydia, both for reading and commenting and for your own wonderful work in the area of etiquette in the workplace.
This has really been on my mind lately, because I’ve felt the notion of courtesy has not translated well to many online situations, especially email. And while I normally prefer to couch things in positive terms, I’ve realized that what courtesy is NOT may be as important to understand as what courtesy IS. Courtesy is not being superficially polite but with an air of condescension or disdain. Courtesy is not saying the right thing but in a sarcastic tone.
Great article. I feel I’m already courteous, both in person and online, but this article makes me want to bump up my game a little bit. One of the things that happens to me, that always makes me smile…when a stranger holds a door open for me. Such a small thing, but it makes me feel special. A smile and sunny disposition is often contagious, and I try to maintain that at work, with friends, etc. And I smile when I answer the phone – the caller can’t see it, but can feel it.
Thank you for these great observations, Karen. I love that you mentioned smiling on the phone, because there’s no question that comes through in your tone of voice. And isn’t it amazing how much difference those small gestures of courtesy and kindness can make!
Thank you for an engrossing article, Elizabeth! As your words and the word cloud indicate, courtesy and its related virtues together are a vast and vital topic. A show of courtesy often brings a smile into view. Then we can easily smile back. I’m trying to be more observant of facial expressions and body language. Then I can apologize or make amends if I discover that I’ve unintentionally offended someone.
Thank YOU for giving me the idea in your book A Place in the Son: Fitly Joined Together in Love and Growing in Christ, Clarence, and for taking the time to read and comment. I think you’re onto something by paying more attention to facial expressions and body language. They can provide clues about how others are feeling and help us know how to respond in a way that’s meaningful and…well…courteous.